One word can't sum it up. A few that come to mind: unspeakable, tragedy, horror, dismay, utter disbelief, shock. A few more: devastation, incomprehensible, heart-wrenching. Broken.
Thursday, April 7 will be a day I will remember forever. It is the day that the heart inside my best friend's belly ceased to beat any longer... and the day that both of our hearts broke.
Alyssa texted me that her midwife couldn't find a heartbeat during her regular 16-wk appointment and I just began to pray that it was a fluke... surely everything was fine... God couldn't let this happen to her again. Not another baby. He just can't. It's not fair. We're pregnant together... doesn't He understand that?! Our babies are going to be best friends, just like Carter and Grayson!!! Unfortunately, Jesus was already cradling baby Morgan and the silent doppler turned into a silent ultrasound too... Morgan looked perfect and cozy, but she had already grown her wings.
Alyssa asked if I would mind doing some photos of Morgan when she was born since I am a photographer and already volunteer for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a non-profit infant bereavement photography organization. Just the week before, Alyssa helped me get through my first session with a 34-week baby boy... neither of us could imagine that what God was preparing us for. Of course I agreed to do it, but as I did, I wept in the floor of my kitchen... I was supposed to be doing her maternity photos this summer, not taking pictures of the baby already!!!! Gone were our dreams of our babies playing together; gone were my dreams of taking their photos together. It just didn't seem real.
Baby Morgan was born Friday, April 8 at 9:48 a.m. and I got to the hospital about 11 after taking Grayson to Kelly's house (God bless her). It was all I could do to not just sit and weep for that beautiful baby... Alyssa was being so strong as we sat there. I couldn't believe it. I think I would have been a complete mess, and she was the only reason I wasn't. I was absolutely devastated, and I'm positive she was too. I met little Morgan, as she lay on a blanket in her Daddy's lap. Almost immediately I noticed the tiny knot in her umbilical cord that resulted in her Heavenly home. I like to dream about her being a crazy little girl with a lot of energy, just like she was in her Mommy's belly. I'm sure she's keeping the angels on their toes! :o)
Now, as we sit in the aftermath of such a personal tragedy, I want Alyssa to know that I'm going to be the same friend that I've always been to her. I still want to see her, to watch our boys laugh and play together, and most importantly, to talk to her. I know my continued pregnancy is going to be difficult for us both, as our Jelly Bean is a constant reminder of our friend Morgan that we never got to know. I want her to know that she should always tell me when she's feeling sad and when she doesn't feel like doing something we normally would. I want her to know that she can always talk to me (or just cry) about Morgan and about how lost she feels without that baby in her arms... I want her to know that she's still the first person I want to tell when Jelly Bean does something crazy, but if I don't, it's just because I don't want to make her sad(der). I also want her to know that no matter what, I will always be here and we will face whatever Satan throws at us together. Because that's what best friends do.
And, to baby Morgan... I can't wait to meet you up in Heaven! I'm sure that you'll be ready to give us a tour and show us all of the wonderful things when we get there. You were so crazy in your Mommy's belly that you just couldn't stay in there long enough, so I'm sure you're staying plenty busy up there. I want you to know that I'll help take care of your Mommy because I know that she's really sad that she didn't get to raise you. I'm really happy that you've already got to meet Jesus and that He'll take better care of you than we ever could. I know He also loves you and is sad that He had to meet you so soon too. I want you to know how happy your Mommy was when she found out about you and how happy I was too. I was really looking forward to you playing with our little Jelly Bean and I hope that you'll watch over him or her while he's/she's still in my belly. I know they will never replace you, but if there comes a time that your Mommy has another baby in her belly, I want you to take special care of that baby and make sure God makes him or her perfect, okay? I know that you can do that because you are a special girl... I want you to remind Mommy how much you loved her too and how you appreciated what good care she took of you while you were in her belly. She did everything she could to help you become a strong, healthy baby and you were! You had long, beautiful feet and hands and you were perfect. Until we meet again...
all my love,