Monday, April 18, 2011

You Never Let Go

You Never Let Go--Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back, I know You are near
And I will fear no evil, For my God is with me
And if my God is with me, Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go, in every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes 
 Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

So I have to make a confession.  Last week at church, in the aftermath of Alyssa losing sweet Morgan, I admit that I had a really hard time praising God.  Singing the Hallelujah's and telling God how great He is was really hard for me because I, well, I was angry at God.  I didn't understand (and still don't) why He would allow this to happen at all, much less a second time to the same Mommy.  Doesn't He know that we need to have a baby in our arms?  I sang numbly through the service, crying for that sweet baby girl that was in Jesus' arms instead of in Alyssa's belly.  

This week at church, we sang several songs, but Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go" stood out to me.  We are certainly walking through the valley in the shadows of death...  and not just any death...  the death of a sweet, innocent baby.  We are caught in the middle of a storm that Satan has conjured up and we are broken.  Broken-hearted, broken-minded, broken-bodied, and broken-spirited.  Last week, I caught myself wondering where God was in all of this.  I feel so afraid...  obviously for Alyssa and Brian, but also for our own little Jelly Bean.  The kicks that I feel now no longer bring displeasure, but security.  But at the same time, I don't want him/her to be too crazy in there, lest Jelly Bean might tie him/herself up like poor Morgan did.  Alyssa and I both have wondered about God's design of the umbilical cord... I know He makes everything 'perfect', but why is it so long?!  We babyproof our entire house, yet we can't babyproof our womb from that crazy long cord?!  It just doesn't make sense.  

This week while I was editing photos, I came across a verse that really stuck with me.  I really feel like it was almost a message coming through Morgan from God:

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."  John 14:27 (NLT)

God is here.  God was there with Alyssa through the silence of the doppler.  God was there during her delivery, and He was there to carry sweet Morgan Home.  He is still here now, and He is sorrowful too.  He knew this was going to happen, but He didn't make it happen.  Satan made it happen.  God brought life into this world--Satan brought destruction and death.  God made everything perfect, especially sweet Morgan.  I should know... I photographed every inch of her tiny body.  She had beautiful, long perfect fingers and she already had long, skinny feet, just like her Momma.  I thought she looked just like her big brother, Carter.  God made her.  Satan took her from us, but God ushered her Home.  God left us His peace and the truth that He will come back for us too, in His perfect timing.  We don't have to be afraid.  Even through the suffering, we must hold fast to the Glorious Light that is coming.  

For this, I can sing praise to my King who has redeemed me.  Even through my pain and sorrow, I hold tightly to my Savior, the One who rocks Morgan to sleep at night and comforts the weary...  because He never lets go.   

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